“erm” is what i say to materialists

Erm what was that? I saw The Materialists with my friend Olivia last night and, what was that? I wish I could say I was dissapointed but i’m not. My expectations were quite low, and have been met. Materialists was the Sydney Sweeney of Celine Song movies, and I know that there has only technically been one prior, but still. This was Sydney Sweeney at best. I think if Sydney Sweeney were in it, it would do a lot better, because then it would have actually made some sense. Dakota Johnson; I thought she was a good actress, but I guess not. Chris Evans; I thought he was hot, I guess not. When debriefing with Olivia after the movie in the theaters bathroom, I realized I have never seen Pedro Pascal act in anything besides in Pedro Almodovar’s A Strange way of Life, in which I don’t really remember if his acting was good or not, but omg, I think that Pedro Pascal is nothing special either. I mean what a face. What an ass! But besides that…why am I paying attention to him? Is he grabbing my attention? No. Is he even asking for it? I don’t think so! I didn’t feel a single DROP of chemistry between him and Dakota, and the same goes for her and little miss Captain America!

Now like, I feel that I understand the premise of the movie, and I get that at the end Dakotas not changing her ways, but instead comes to some sort of an “agreement” with the poor man. This agreement being that she will love him and he will love her no matter what. I get that, and I think thats sweet (simple, but sure…sweet) but girl, you were just comforting ur client/friend about her rapist - stalker, and now ur making out with your boyfriend on her stoop. Like there’s a time and place. I also didn’t like that Dakota ended up with Chris. I do not believe that they will last long at all. That proposal?!? There’s actually no way that either of them will prevail, together or alone. The ending felt clanky and unsatisfying and had no heart in it. Cheap. The whole story itself was quite cheap, and a little tone deaf. The viewers were given no reason to care for any of the characters. I don’t know if Celine automatically assumed that we would care just because they’re hot, but this wasn’t even them at their hottest. Nit even close. Dakota maybe, but Chris and Pedro…what are we doing? Chris was a push over bitch and Pedro was so… blah. I guess that was on purpose because he too is a materialist, but at least give us some background on the guy so we don’t wish him ill.

The worst part of the movie was the writing, which I hate to say cause Past Lives was soooooo yummy. Past Lives felt natural and intimate and sensitive, while this movie gave lab grown. Not one line, or character even, felt real. like oh Pedro got the leg surgery and Dakota go her tits done, “were not perfect, seeee!!” Girl, shut the fuck up. I don’t believe you by the way. Nose job sure, but boobs? Babe. It just made no sense to write that in there. No scene felt finished. No sentence felt conveyed. The writing was passionless. I don’t care if any of them live or die, which is horrible! I cared about Past Lives. I even cared about Greta Lee’s hubby in that movie because he felt like a perssoonnnn. The characters in Materialists felt like insecure projections of what Celine Song thinks that the viewers want. IN-AU-THEN-TIC!

Also…wtf was the deal with that caveman shit? Didnt like it. Thought it was tacky and added nothing. But tbh that casting was on point. Those caveman sooooo would've been the baddie - it girls of the neanderthals. They invented fire.

That being said it was a very pretty movie in the visual sense. The cinematographer: Shabier Kirchner, did Past Lives as well as Skate Kitchen which was my shiiittt in 6th grade, so he’s lit. Without him this movie would not be successful. The intro (after that caveman shit) felt sort of brutalist, and i’m usually not down with vertical straight lines but I thought it was quite beautiful. Even though the story was boring and felt unfinished, it somehow flowed from scene to scene. I couldn’t tell if it all took place within a week a month or a year, but I could feel time passing, and that is a good thing. Also just found out that Celine Song’s real life husband is Justin Kuritzkes, aka, Luca Guadanino’s new little writer boy, which is kinda power couple goals. I didn't love Queer, but Challengers! Thats for another blog. Love that shit.

Back to Materialists! Would I reccomnd this movie to a friend and or stranger? Sure, but only if they haven’t seen Past Lives. After they watch Materialists I will tell them to watch Past Lives and fix the impression that Celine has left on them because she can do better! We all believe in you Celine, don’t become a victim to the Miu Miu/Loewe lifestyle! It’s a trap!

-Sarina